End of Life discussions are hard – but necessary
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End of life discussions can be uncomfortable to start, but it’s best to have them sooner rather than later. Tomorrow is national advance care planning day, and health care professionals are encouraging us to take it as an opportunity to start the conversation, because it’s not one you want to have in a time of crisis.
When Bev Stuckey’s father-in-law was diagnosed with terminal cancer, he didn’t have an end of life plan. Their family was thrust into conversations about how he wanted his final days to look. “They were very emotional, they were taxing on everybody involved because you’re stripping him and the family of any hope…because you’re talking about these end of life things. But we didn’t have a choice.”
According to clinical ethicist, Sandy Andreychuk, their experience isn’t uncommon. “We resist the conversation because it’s scary, it’s unknown, it’s unpredictable how that’s going to happen.” But it’s important. She advises people to share their wishes as early as age 20. Some questions, like where you’d like to die may be easier. Others are complicated. “Should your heart stop, would you want your heart to be restarted? Or if you are unable to feed by mouth, would you be okay with a feeding tube being placed?”
Resources to help you start are available online. You don’t have to write down your plan but it can help. You can download a planning workbook online. It’s full of questions about end of life and space to write your answers. After her father-in-law died, Bev Stuckey sat down with her mom to create a plan. Her mom got sick soon after, and died this January. Knowing her wishes made it easier to enjoy their final time together. “To just be there and love her and be supportive… and we focused on the quality of life for the time that we had together. And for that I will forever, forever be grateful.”
Sandy Andreychuk says having a face to face conversation about end of life is important. It allows you to get a sense of your loved ones priorities in case you need to make decisions on their behalf. Reading their wishes on paper makes it harder to put yourself in their shoes.
